So recently I found out that one of my male friends admitted that he liked me. I instantly felt like there was a stone in my gut, with the slow sinking feeling that I didn’t like him back.
Now this has happened before. I have a naturally friendly nature and my chatty instinct in often interpreted as flirting. This backfires when the recipient is a male, and he thinks I am interested in him. Well in a way, my asking about his life is just my method of making him feel comfortable and at ease around me. I do this with females also, but obviously there isn’t the same effect, and no problem ever surfaces.
I’ve actually never had a proper, long-term relationship. They’re always casual and short (and sweet?) but it’s always ended on mutual terms. I’m always confused when my friends talk about their boyfriends in such detail, as if they share everything. Turns out that’s what couples do, however I’ve never felt comfortable enough to do that. Feeling tied down to one person who knows me inside out…scares me. If that someone wanted to hurt me, they’d know exactly how to do it. This has happened to me one too many times, thank you very much, and I’m not about to repeat it. I’m aware about how cynical and hostile I sound right now, but that’s the point. PRESENTLY, I do not want a relationship because I know I’m not mature enough to handle it properly. All of the boys my age that I know are either too old a friend, or still in adolescent boy mode. Ew.
I’m always surprised when someone admits they have a crush on me, thinking, ‘Why? Seriously, what’s wrong with you?’ this leads to me going into shut down mode, with barriers up and feelings closed. I honestly don’t know how to re-act to a compliment, it’s not because of low-self esteem, but rather I’ve cared so little by what others think that I can’t believe they’re being sincere if they tell me that I’m pretty or funny. It’s probably because it takes me a while to know someone, and only those I know well do I know to trust them enough. It takes me ages to become friends with someone but I have plenty of acquaintances. Talking to everyone of them like they’re equally interesting is important to me. You could say that I’m superficially happy, acting the way that I know won’t ask too many questions. This is definitely wrong, but no one likes a drag, do they?
So, what do I do? I said that I’d rather stay friends. Am I predictable? Turns out yes, because I’m independent and opinionated, and I’m not scared of letting people know that. That makes me sound hard and relentless, and anyone who knows me will actually disagree. Just don’t take me too literally. Or seriously.
Sigh.
I am a warm, happy person who appreciates the world for what it is and people for who they are. But I like to see things through my heart instead of my eyes, and I know that once that special someone comes along, he’ll be goldilocks right.
For now, I’ll carry on smiling 🙂
The tiny dreamer 